Wedded bliss...

*Note: Some names have been changed to protect the innocent.

Kristenaugh tricked me to going to her friend Sabrinuh's wedding on Friday. I agreed for two reasons: I needed something to do and the vague promise of free booze. I knew Sabrinuh from a class we had together last semester; she was part of the pre-class beerfest as well. According to Kristenaugh, Sabrinuh laughed her ass off when she learned I would be coming to the wedding. I can only assume she was laughing because she was really looking forward to seeing me!

I figured I should get my one suit (with purple tie!) ready for the special occasion. I didn't get sabrinuh any presents. After all, my presence there should be a gift enough! Besides, I paid for dry cleaning AND gasoline! The wedding was at 7:00 and I left at 3:00, plenty of time to get down to Castle Rock and get ready right? NO! WRONG! DEAD WRONG! Let me give you an idea about how bad the drive was. It took me 45 minutes to get to Loveland from the time I left my house. The drive is usually 15 minutes on a bad day. The drive kept on getting worse. I finally got to Kristenaugh's house at 5:30.

Kristenaugh let me in her house and I quickly became introduced to one of her dogs. This dog was an attention whore and had the most pathetic looking face I've ever seen. Kristenaugh told me a sad story about everybody hating the dog. I guess the dog has developed a psychosis which gave it co-dependent tendencies because the damn thing would not leave me alone! I eventually was able to pull myself away from it and changed into my fancy schmancy clothing.

It took awhile for the two of us to get ready to our satisfaction. I was trying to get my tie to look right and Kristenaugh kept worrying if her hair was curly enough. We eventually were ready to leave but we didn't have enough time to get anything to eat. It didn't help that we were ambushed by Kristenaugh's mom just before we left; she insisted on taking pictures of us and forced us to deliver something to Kristenaugh's grandmother on the way to the wedding. Thankfully, we were able to get to the wedding on time.

Kristenaugh and I both felt pretty awkward at the wedding. She didn't recognize anybody there and I was wondering if Sabrinuh was going to laugh at me once she saw me. We also thought it was odd that Sabrinauh has so many lesbian friends. I think Kristenaugh was the only non-lesbian friend at the wedding, and I really have no proof that Kristenaugh is not a lesbian either. We went to find our seats as fast as possible to avoid any awkward mingling.

Kristenaugh and I viciously mocked the details about the wedding while waiting for it to start. This may sound mean, but the wedding had it coming! There was a busy swimming pool right next to where the actual wedding was going to be outside of the building. Screaming children and fat, shirtless tattooed men were no more than 20 feet away from the bride and groom. There was also an angry lesbian playing the guitar who kept leering at me...

The wedding ceremony itself was mercifully short. Everything about it was generic and unexciting. The judge who was performing the wedding kept losing his place which create uncomfortable pauses throughout the proceedings. He also whispered the vows into the bride and grooms ears for some reason. I'm guessing it was to appear that they had them memorized or something, but all it did was create more awkward pauses.

Once the wedding was over we were supposed to go to the reception line to congratulate the bridge and groom. Somehow Kristenaugh and I unwittingly ended up at front of the line. I was caught in an unwanted conversation with one of Kristenaugh friends (who is also doing the JET program) causing us to hold up the line. Kristenaugh went ahead to greet everybody and left me behind. Not knowing what to do, I just did the bastardly thing and skipped the line all together! I don't greet anybody that I don't want to dammit! Kristenaugh and I then went back inside for the reception.

We were both starving because of the aforementioned not having time to get dinner. Thankfully(?) there would be dinner at the reception! Kristenaugh and I had been mocking the white-trashiness of the wedding the whole night and the dinner only justified our perception. They had BBQ catered for the wedding. Basically everybody in their fancy clothing were about to eat the messiest food on the planet. Great planning! To add to the corniness, drinks were served in paper cups with the restaurant's name on them. Nothing but high class!

Everybody got their food and then the reception proceeded with normal wedding reception junk. Kristenaugh and I were trapped at a table with her JET friend (who also appeared to be a lesbian to go along with the theme). We engaged in trite conversation for awhile, desperately hoping that the booze would come out soon. Eventually it was time to cut the cake. Kristenaugh and I couldn't figure out what the hell flavor cake it was. Here's a picture so that you guys can play along at home!

After eating the horrible mystery cake and drinking free champagne, Kristenaugh and I (well, ok, mostly just me) were ready to hit the road; however, this would be easier said than done. We would first have to say goodbye to Sabrinuh because that would be the polite thing do or something. It was Kristenaugh's idea not mine! She was too busy dancing the night away and we didn't want to interrupt. As a result, we waited for a long time until she eventually did stop dancing. We quickly said goodbye and ran as fast as we could.

Kristenaugh doesn't like BBQ so she didn't have any dinner. We went to Applebee's because it was the only place open that late (and because it has buffalo chicken sandwiches!). The waiter we had acted like he was deathly afraid of us. We stood a good distance away from and muttered everything he said. He probably had a good reason to fear us; he caught us talking about bukkake at the end of the meal. We then went back to Kristenaugh's place and hung out for a little bit. I eventually left for Ft. Collins at around 1:00 AM. The drive wasn't bad at all, I actually slept through most of it!