I visited my parents! (and other tales of terror)

My family finally nagged me enough to convince me to visit for the week. I don't get along with my parents particularly well and I am always bored out of my mind down here. Thank God for my blog! I've decided to use this space to record the war atrocities, violations of the Geneva convention and just insanity that occurs when me and my family get together. In the event of my death and/or disappearance this blog can be used as evidence in a court of law.

Monday:
-My mom woke me up at 8:30 to tell me that "she had some ceweal waiting for me" in an obnoxious baby voice
-Everytime I visit my Dad seems to have picked up a new annoying habit. Today he kept saying things in the voice of the guy from Sling Blade
-While visiting my grandmother at the nursing home, my dad berated me when I said I was tired. Specifically he said "poor Kevin had to wake up at 8:30"
-My parents had tickets to a Rockies game and bought an extra ticket for me; however, this afternoon Jared, my best friend from high school, called and said that he was moving to D.C. tomorrow but wanted to hang out with me one last time. My mom gave me a guilt trip when I told her I didn't want to go and I cracked. As a result I only got to spend about half an hour with Jared before we left.
-My dad has always obnoxiously sang every damn country song that comes on the radio at the top of his lungs. Today's ride to and from Denver was no different (he even did some of the singing in the damn "Sling Blade" voice)
-The seat my parents bought for me was out in the boondocks of Coors Field while they were just three rows up from third base. They made me wait and sneak past the usher in the fourth inning.
-Bad traffic and construction made the drive home over two and a half hours long. This gave my dad plenty of time to drive me crazy with bad talk radio and by serenading me and my mom with such country classics as "I love this bar" and "Billy has his beer goggles on". Country music is surely the music of the gods!
-On a side note, something came up with Jared and he won't be moving until Wednesday at the earliest. I guess some good karma finally came back to me (despite my endless bitching about my parents)

Tuesday:
-I got yelled at for brushing my teeth in the wrong sink
-More sling blade from my dad
-I was hoping that one good thing about this visit would be that I could eat a little better. So far today I've had cereal and ramen...
-More guilt from my mom for wanting to spend time with Jared before he leaves
-I spent a few hours with Jared this afternoon. It was a good diversion from my family but pretty disappointing at the same time. Jared and I have known eachother for 9 years and he's probably my best friend, but there are time when I just can't stand him. He's selfish, cranky and never wants to do anything. Today I was hoping we could do something cool as a send off. Instead we just channel flipped for a few hours before he became visibly anxious. He hadn't talked to his girlfriend online since earlier that morning apparently and decided to kick me out so he could go talk to her. Normally I would be pretty understanding, but I became pretty upset since he's moving in with here and that this is probably the last time we'll see eachother for a long long time. I can't say I'm surprised that he did this, but I'm still a little sad and disappointed by the whole thing...
-Chinese beer torture: Usually when I visit I'm supplied with high quality free beer by my parents. What's the problem you ask? Well, my parents usually twist my arm until I agree to have a beer with them; however, my mom acts like I'm an alcoholic if I ask for or get any more. In the book "Misery" the woman gets the guy addicted to pain killers just so she can torture him by taking them away later. The beer situation is basically the same thing

Wednesday:
-The good news: My dad stopped talking like the guy from Sling Blade. The bad news: My dad started talking like Humphrey Bogart
-Both my parents were gone this morning. Although I got some peace and quiet, they still managed to call about once every twenty minutes between the two of them...
-I usually buy my own clothes now that I'm a big boy (I didn't say I made good choices...); however, I'm broke and I need an entire new wardrobe for Japan. This meant having to go shopping with my parents and having them foot the bill. There's nothing like having your parents tug and pull at your clothing while asking about your crotch in the middle of a busy department store. We spent 4 hours between two stores and we didn't really get all that much. What we did get was mostly clearance crap that nobody else wanted. My dad got pissed off that I kept turning down cheap and ugly shirts in colors such as pink and purple. Looks like my new clothes will be as shitty as my old ones!

Thursday:
-Humphrey Bogart was replaced by Mr. Ed
-Today we went to Canon City to visit my grandparents. My aunt, uncle and cousin were there as well. I could probably go a long rant about just how insane this day was, but I'm too damn tired. Just imagine 8 people with conflicting personality types bickering for 12 hours. Top the day off with embarrassing home movies that could traumatize you for life and you pretty much have my day.
-One thing I feel like noting is just how weird my dad can be. Today he spent 3 hours just watching people do the construction on my parent's new house. They made me watch for 45 minutes until I just decided to walk back to my grandparents house. Later that night he went back for almost another two hours after spending most of the day golfing. I wonder if it's just his weird OCD side coming out with the house or that he picks up that everybody in my family thinks he's obnoxious. It's probably a little bit of both.
-Lately my cell phone has become more and more of a decoration because of the lack of calls. When I got back tonight I had missed not 1 but 2 calls! Needless to say I was pretty damn excited. I quickly became disappointed when I listened to the voice mails: both were from bill collectors. One was for the cable bill and one was more my cell phone. Not exactly what I was hoping for, but at least I got to hear from somebody other than my insane relatives...

Friday:
-I slept for like a bajillion hours today. There's no better escape from reality than sleep! -I went with my parents to a restaurant called the Cracker Barrel. That place has been the bane of my existence since it opened. They serve "country" cooking. This means that everything is deep fried, has about 6000 calories yet still tastes like absolute crap. The atmosphere is dark and depressing and half the people that eat there are morbidly obese rednecks. It should then come as no surprise that it's my dad's favorite restaurant! My arteries still hurt from lunch... -We got kicked out of our house for several hours today as the real estate agent showed off my parent's home to a bunch of people. In order to make the time go as slowly and painfully as possible, we decided to spend more time shopping for clothes! After about an hour of arguing about pleats and trying on ill-fitting shirts we decided to go visit my dad's tailor friend to see what kind of sizes I should be getting. I could tell he was a friend of my dad's because he took the first chance he had to berate me. He pulled out his tape measure, wrapped it around various body parts and told me that I stand like a "south park kid". Once he was done measuring me he delivered the bad news. Apparently, no clothes fit me because, and I quote, "I have a pencil neck, huge shoulders, long arms and no gut". How could I ever think that a disproportionate freak like me could ever wear clothes?! He told me that pretty much anything fancy would have to be tailored to fit me. After that I went off to cry in the bathroom and we called it a day. -We went to dinner at a Japanese restaurant called Tako's. My family has been coming here once a week since my dad had a heart attack in high school. It's one of the few places he can eat at regularly without having to worry about his health. It's not a bad place, but my mom and I (especially my mom) have become sick of going there. The waitresses all know our names, we know all their names and we always get free shit from the owner. This also means that the waitresses all know that I'm going to Japan/studying Japanese, so they drive me nuts all dinner by forcing me to say common Japanese phrases and then telling me how good I am at Japanese. A small complain I know, but I'm feeling extra surly today.

So that was my week at my parents. This one wasn't nearly as bad as they usually are, my dad kept his chastising of me at a (relative) minimum and I got an abnormal amount of peace and quiet. I guess they drugs I slipped them really did the trick. Tomorrow it's back to Ft. Collins after an informational JET meeting. Once I'm home I guess it'll be back to the usually routine of watching tennis and crying myself to sleep...